Childhood Grief & Loss

One in 12 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18.  An estimated six million children will be affected in the United States alone.  The amount grows exponentially once other deaths in their lives are factored in. These statistics can feel overwhelming.  Many worry that these children will be irreparably harmed from their loss.  While the death of a loved one is often traumatic, that is not the end of their story. 

I know this from experience. My story begins when I was 16 and my friend John died by suicide.  While this was not the first death I faced, it was the one that helped set me on my journey.  As a Gen X teen, I felt the impact of stigma surrounding mental health, suicide and death.   Statements like, “aren’t you over that?” or “you’re still talking about that?” resounded.  While I had a supportive family, I had no peers to process my loss with, no therapist and few supports.  I poured my heartache out into drawings, dancing and singing.  These experiences shaped who I would become – a therapist who uses art, play, sandtray and working with horses to process the unimaginable.

For years I have served children, tweens and teens after a death.  What I have seen over the course of time is resiliency in the face of stigma, loneliness and grief.  The ability for children to grow through loss is rooted in a few basic principles.  The better that the adults in their life are doing, the better the child will do. Ensuring that their caregivers get support will have enormous benefits for the children in their lives.  Children crave structure and routine.  Not the stifling schedules we often see with every minute of the day booked with activities, sports and tutoring; rather, the rituals and routines of time spent together, walks, game night, bedtime and family dinners.  This helps ground them when the world feels like it’s spinning out of control.  Families and supports who share about the person who died easily allow for memory making.  A casual mention of a favorite activity, like, or shared story about their person who died allows children to build a relationship with their memory.  Sharing and resharing pictures, videos and stories, helps the process of memory keeping.

Children, tweens and teens need the support of their peers to help normalize their loss.  Being surrounded by others who have experienced similar events allows them to feel accepted and typical.  Children also need facts, age-appropriate explanations about death.  I have been privileged to be able to explain everything from heart attack to suicide to murder to children.  By providing facts, not euphemisms, they can embark on their grief journey with fewer obstacles.  While it may seem odd or cruel to our adult minds, children cannot grasp metaphors often used.  Passed away, in a better place, with the angels is understood by children in a completely different way than intended.  Their brains cannot understand the concept of death until at least seven, which means that they will believe their person is coming back despite being able to use the words dead correctly in a sentence.  The gap between saying and knowing is vast. 

Childhood grief and loss is ever present. Believing that children will be forever victims of these circumstances hinders their grief journey. I have been grateful to be a witness to what is called Post Traumatic Growth – finding a new path, becoming a new version of self after grief, loss or trauma.    It took me many years to realize that was my journey as well. 

Marla Berger, LMHC, ART, RPT-S™, RST C/T, EMDR Trained, Certified AutPlay Therapy Provider®, Eagala Advanced Certified, Natural Lifemanship Intensive Trained Clinician

Marla is a Licensed Mental  Health Counselor, Registered Art  Therapist, Registered Play Therapist -  Supervisor™, Registered Sandtray Therapist Consultant/Trainer, Certified AutPlay Therapy Provider®, EMDR Trained, Qualified Supervisor,  Natural Lifemanship Intensive Trained  and an Eagala Advanced  Certified Professional. In other words,  she loves experiential  therapies! Marla founded Berger Counseling  Services in 2009 and has  presented locally and nationally on experiential services, trauma and  bereavement. Her practice is located in Parkland and Coral Springs.  She hosts a monthly networking group called Creative Coffee Hour with a new topics each month and free CEU’s.